A quick update on how I’m doing since I’ve gotten lots of questions: Right now my treatments are every other week. So far the biggest side effect has been fatigue, which I can deal with! I do experience nausea but I have plenty of meds to help with it. My parents have been staying with us on the weeks I have treatment, so I’m able to sleep when I need to and have plenty of help with the kids. We’re very thankful for the minimal side effects so far. My hair has almost completely fallen out. Once it started falling out a few weeks ago, we buzzed my head and it has been slowly falling out since then.
Please continue to pray for us. My next treatment is on Tuesday, December 14th.
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And now some other thoughts from me:
I tend to be a glass-is-half-empty kind of person. I’m quick to see the negative, the problems, the lack. If I let myself, I can stay in this place where everything looks dreary. Duncan, if you couldn’t already tell, is a glass-is-half-full kind of person. He’s quick to see the good, the possibilities, the hope.
As I’ve learned this about myself over the years, I’ve been more intentional to really look for the good and to reframe these negative thoughts. But when I received my breast cancer diagnosis, there was no reframing happening or any “let’s just find the good in this situation.” And being newly postpartum, every ache and pain had me convinced the cancer had spread. While Duncan had his “it’s nothing until it’s something” perspective, I was quickly spiraling downward with all of my assumptions. My mind went to some dark, dark places and to be honest, I couldn’t see a way out.
I literally cried out to the Lord over and over again. It was all I could do. I experienced what it’s like to be utterly dependent upon Him.
“You are not alone in this.”
I received a card early on that had those words in it. I cried like a baby. Those words hit me in the most unexpected way. They were what I desperately needed to hear and I didn’t even know it. When everything looked and felt so dark and lonely, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
And then I continued to get texts, messages, cards, etc. that reminded me I wasn’t alone. In my last post I shared about how I prayed that God would remind me of his love and then I received tons of messages telling me I was loved. This started happening with the “You are not alone” messages.
The morning of my first treatment, the encouraging messages continued flooding in. One of my friends said, “this is your path but remember to look around and see all the people God has given you to walk with you in this. You are not alone. In all our humanness, God sees and knows that having people to walk through hard times that have skin on is a way we can see and feel Him.” I remember reading that and trying not to cry in my infusion chair.
I love how the Lord used people to continually remind me of this truth I needed to hear. He is so kind and I’ve seen evidence of his kindness over and over again.
Being reminded that I wasn’t alone and that I had people with me was so comforting. But I have to admit, in the middle of the night when I was laying in bed and having some more of those dark moments, I *did* feel alone. When I was sitting in the infusion chair, no one else could sit there with me. I was alone in that. No one could do my treatment for me. No one could go into the rooms where I was alone having full body scans. No one could have surgery for me. I was struck with the reality that sometimes we *are* alone. People can’t always be there to encourage us and give us what we need in every single moment. I’m sure we’ve all felt this way at some point.
Can you guess the next truth I needed to hear?
“God is with you.”
Yes, I needed to know I wasn’t alone. I needed to know people were with me and surrounding me. But I deeply needed to be reminded of this truth I’ve heard since I was a little girl: Emmanuel–God with us. A truth that has never meant so much to me as it does now in this difficult season of my life. GOD IS WITH ME.
I have days that I still spiral downward with my thoughts and everything feels lonely and dark. This is when Duncan will often send out his “firefight” messages. On those days, knowing and remembering God is with me has given me a deeper comfort than anything or anyone else could ever give. He is with me in the darkness. He is with me in my infusion chair. He is with me when I’m getting full body scans. He is with me when I’m getting surgery. I am not alone. He is with me.
I’m thankful for the incredible community I’ve been given. People have loved us and supported us in the most amazing ways. You have reminded me that I am not alone in this fight. And then, when there are moments I am alone, I’m thankful for the reality that God is with me and has been with me through it all. He has never abandoned me. He has not forgotten me. He will continue to carry me through. What a gift to re-learn this truth during the Advent season.
I can tell you this: any joy, peace, hope, or strength you see in me is only evidence of Jesus in my life, because they’re certainly not my tendency.
Love you guys! God is with you.
-Elizabeth
